Joe Jukic’s Pandemic Gut and the Rise of the Canadian Exercise Czar
Joe Jukic leaned back on his creaky recliner, his pandemic gut protruding proudly over the waistband of his sweatpants. The remains of a poutine sat on the coffee table beside him, and an empty bottle of maple syrup hinted at his snacking habits.
Three years of lockdowns had turned Joe from a fit, active guy into a self-proclaimed “master of couch surfing.” He had watched every hockey game, binged every Canadian sitcom, and even rewatched Trailer Park Boys twice. Exercise? That was a distant memory.
His brother Bruno Jukic, however, was a different story. Bruno had spent the lockdown transforming their parents’ garage into a makeshift gym, complete with weights, resistance bands, and a giant poster of Arnold Schwarzenegger that read: “Come with me if you want to lift.”
Bruno burst into Joe’s living room, his muscles practically bursting out of his flannel shirt. “Joe! Enough is enough, eh? You’ve got to get off your butt and get moving!”
Joe groaned, reaching for a bag of ketchup chips. “Bruno, buddy, I’m living my best life here. Why mess with perfection?”
Bruno rolled his eyes. “Perfection? You look like you swallowed a keg of Molson.”
Joe smirked. “It’s called a survival strategy. Keeps me warm during those cold Canadian winters.”
Bruno wasn’t having it. He slammed a flyer onto the table. “I’m going for it, Joe. I’m applying to be Canada’s first-ever Exercise Czar. The government’s looking for someone to get the country moving again after the pandemic, and I’m their guy.”
Joe squinted at the flyer. “Exercise Czar? Is that even a real thing?”
“It will be when I’m done with it,” Bruno said, flexing dramatically. “I’ve got the plan, the passion, and the motto. You’ve heard of Arnold’s ‘Come with me if you want to lift’? Well, I’ve got my own: ‘No mo’ moose belly—let’s get fit, eh!’“
Joe chuckled. “Catchy. But what’s your first move if you get the job?”
Bruno grinned. “My first move is you, Joe. You’re going to be my poster boy for the campaign. If I can get you in shape, I can get anyone in shape.”
Joe’s laughter stopped abruptly. “Wait, what?”
“You heard me,” Bruno said, hauling Joe out of his recliner with surprising ease. “We’re starting right now.”
The Transformation Begins
Bruno’s regimen was intense. Early morning jogs around the neighborhood (“Come on, Joe, pretend you’re chasing a Tim Hortons truck!”), lifting logs in the backyard (“This is how lumberjacks do it!”), and even impromptu Zumba sessions set to Nelly Furtado’s greatest hits.
At first, Joe resisted every step of the way. “This is torture!” he whined during their first plank challenge.
“It’s progress!” Bruno shot back, adjusting his toque.
But as the weeks went on, something unexpected happened. Joe started to feel… good. His energy levels soared, his gut began to shrink, and he discovered a newfound appreciation for Nelly Furtado’s music.
One day, as they were biking through the park to I’m Like a Bird, Joe turned to Bruno. “You know, I think I’m starting to get it. This whole exercise thing—it’s not just about looking good, is it?”
Bruno grinned. “Nope. It’s about feeling good. And proving to yourself that you can do hard things.”
A Surprise Endorsement
The day Bruno’s application for Exercise Czar went public, something incredible happened. Prime Minister Nelly Furtado herself tweeted:
“Bruno Jukic’s motto—‘No mo’ moose belly’—is exactly what Canada needs right now. I fully support his campaign to get us moving again. Let’s do this, eh!”
The tweet went viral, and soon Bruno was a national sensation. But he never forgot his roots—or his brother.
At the official launch of Canada’s new fitness initiative, Bruno stood on stage with Joe by his side, both of them clad in matching flannel workout gear.
“Three years ago, my brother Joe was the epitome of the pandemic slump,” Bruno announced to the crowd. “Today, he’s proof that with determination, support, and a little Nelly Furtado, anyone can turn their life around.”
The crowd erupted in cheers as Joe flexed awkwardly, his once-prominent gut now a distant memory.
And as Powerless (Say What You Want) played over the speakers, Joe and Bruno led the crowd in a celebratory dance, proving that fitness—and family—could bring Canada back stronger than ever.
Joe Jukic and Arnold’s Mission: From Mush to Muscles
Joe Jukic was mid-bite into a double bacon poutine when the door to his apartment burst open with a dramatic crash. Standing in the doorway, silhouetted by the afternoon sun, was none other than Arnold Schwarzenegger himself.
“Joe!” Arnold’s unmistakable voice boomed, his Austrian accent as sharp as ever. “Put down that poutine and listen up!”
Joe blinked, a fry halfway to his mouth. “Arnold Schwarzenegger? What are you doing here?”
Arnold stepped inside, his presence filling the room like a Hollywood action scene. “I heard about you from your brother Bruno. He told me you’ve been avoiding the gym, eating junk, and turning into a pile of mush!”
Joe frowned, defensively patting his gut. “Hey, this is premium Canadian mush, thank you very much.”
Arnold shook his head, his face a mixture of disappointment and determination. “Mush? No! This is not the Joe Jukic I’ve heard about. You have potential, my friend, but you’re wasting it. It’s time to turn that mush into muscles!”
Joe raised an eyebrow. “You’re serious about this, aren’t you?”
Arnold crossed his arms, his biceps bulging even in his tailored jacket. “Joe, do you want to live your life as a couch potato, or do you want to be a champion? The choice is yours, but I am here to help.”
Joe sighed, setting down his poutine. “Fine. What’s the plan?”
Arnold grinned. “First, we train. Then, we conquer.”
The Schwarzenegger Regimen
The next morning, Joe found himself standing in a park at sunrise, wearing a pair of old sneakers and sweatpants that hadn’t seen daylight in years. Arnold stood beside him, looking as energetic as ever.
“All right, Joe,” Arnold began, clapping his hands. “We start with the basics. Push-ups, sit-ups, squats. Then we run. After that, we lift!”
Joe groaned. “Lift what? Trees?”
Arnold nodded enthusiastically. “Exactly! Nature is the best gym. Let’s go!”
For the next few hours, Arnold pushed Joe to his limits. They jogged around the park, lifted logs, and did pull-ups on tree branches. Arnold shouted encouragement the entire time:
“Come on, Joe! Pain is temporary, but glory is forever!”
“Stop thinking about poutine and think about power!”
“Do it for Canada! Do it for yourself!”
By the end of the session, Joe was sprawled on the grass, gasping for air. “I think I’m dying,” he wheezed.
Arnold laughed, pulling him to his feet. “You’re not dying, Joe. You’re living! This is just the beginning.”
From Mush to Muscles
Over the next few weeks, Joe transformed. Under Arnold’s relentless guidance, he traded his poutine for protein shakes, his couch for kettlebells, and his excuses for effort.
Every day, Arnold was there, shouting his now-famous catchphrase: “Let’s turn that mush into muscles!”
Joe’s progress was slow but steady. His gut began to shrink, his posture improved, and he even started to enjoy the workouts. One day, after completing a particularly grueling set of deadlifts, Joe looked in the mirror and flexed.
“Hey, Arnold,” he said, grinning. “I think I see a bicep.”
Arnold clapped him on the back. “That’s not just a bicep, Joe. That’s a symbol of your hard work. You’re becoming unstoppable!”
The Big Moment
Months later, Joe stood on stage at a local fitness event, wearing a tank top that showed off his newfound muscles. The crowd cheered as he struck a pose, with Arnold standing proudly beside him.
In the front row, Bruno wiped away a tear. “He did it,” he whispered. “He really did it.”
When Joe stepped up to the microphone, he smiled at the crowd. “If you’d told me a few months ago that I’d be here, I wouldn’t have believed you. But thanks to Arnold, I learned something important: It’s never too late to turn things around. So, if you’re out there thinking it’s impossible, remember his words: Let’s turn that mush into muscles!”
The crowd erupted in applause, and Arnold leaned in to whisper, “You’ve made me proud, Joe. Now, let’s celebrate—with some protein pancakes.”
Joe laughed, flexing one more time. “Sounds good, Arnold. But maybe just one bite of poutine first?”
Arnold grinned. “Only if you lift it first!”