Joe Jukicโs Pandemic Gut and the Rise of the Canadian Exercise Czar
Joe Jukic leaned back on his creaky recliner, his pandemic gut protruding proudly over the waistband of his sweatpants. The remains of a poutine sat on the coffee table beside him, and an empty bottle of maple syrup hinted at his snacking habits.
Three years of lockdowns had turned Joe from a fit, active guy into a self-proclaimed โmaster of couch surfing.โ He had watched every hockey game, binged every Canadian sitcom, and even rewatched Trailer Park Boys twice. Exercise? That was a distant memory.
His brother Bruno Jukic, however, was a different story. Bruno had spent the lockdown transforming their parentsโ garage into a makeshift gym, complete with weights, resistance bands, and a giant poster of Arnold Schwarzenegger that read: โCome with me if you want to lift.โ
Bruno burst into Joeโs living room, his muscles practically bursting out of his flannel shirt. โJoe! Enough is enough, eh? Youโve got to get off your butt and get moving!โ
Joe groaned, reaching for a bag of ketchup chips. โBruno, buddy, Iโm living my best life here. Why mess with perfection?โ
Bruno rolled his eyes. โPerfection? You look like you swallowed a keg of Molson.โ
Joe smirked. โItโs called a survival strategy. Keeps me warm during those cold Canadian winters.โ
Bruno wasnโt having it. He slammed a flyer onto the table. โIโm going for it, Joe. Iโm applying to be Canadaโs first-ever Exercise Czar. The governmentโs looking for someone to get the country moving again after the pandemic, and Iโm their guy.โ
Joe squinted at the flyer. โExercise Czar? Is that even a real thing?โ
โIt will be when Iโm done with it,โ Bruno said, flexing dramatically. โIโve got the plan, the passion, and the motto. Youโve heard of Arnoldโs โCome with me if you want to liftโ? Well, Iโve got my own: โNo moโ moose bellyโletโs get fit, eh!โโ
Joe chuckled. โCatchy. But whatโs your first move if you get the job?โ
Bruno grinned. โMy first move is you, Joe. Youโre going to be my poster boy for the campaign. If I can get you in shape, I can get anyone in shape.โ
Joeโs laughter stopped abruptly. โWait, what?โ
โYou heard me,โ Bruno said, hauling Joe out of his recliner with surprising ease. โWeโre starting right now.โ
The Transformation Begins
Brunoโs regimen was intense. Early morning jogs around the neighborhood (โCome on, Joe, pretend youโre chasing a Tim Hortons truck!โ), lifting logs in the backyard (โThis is how lumberjacks do it!โ), and even impromptu Zumba sessions set to Nelly Furtadoโs greatest hits.
At first, Joe resisted every step of the way. โThis is torture!โ he whined during their first plank challenge.
โItโs progress!โ Bruno shot back, adjusting his toque.
But as the weeks went on, something unexpected happened. Joe started to feelโฆ good. His energy levels soared, his gut began to shrink, and he discovered a newfound appreciation for Nelly Furtadoโs music.
One day, as they were biking through the park to Iโm Like a Bird, Joe turned to Bruno. โYou know, I think Iโm starting to get it. This whole exercise thingโitโs not just about looking good, is it?โ
Bruno grinned. โNope. Itโs about feeling good. And proving to yourself that you can do hard things.โ
A Surprise Endorsement
The day Brunoโs application for Exercise Czar went public, something incredible happened. Prime Minister Nelly Furtado herself tweeted:
โBruno Jukicโs mottoโโNo moโ moose bellyโโis exactly what Canada needs right now. I fully support his campaign to get us moving again. Letโs do this, eh!โ
The tweet went viral, and soon Bruno was a national sensation. But he never forgot his rootsโor his brother.
At the official launch of Canadaโs new fitness initiative, Bruno stood on stage with Joe by his side, both of them clad in matching flannel workout gear.
โThree years ago, my brother Joe was the epitome of the pandemic slump,โ Bruno announced to the crowd. โToday, heโs proof that with determination, support, and a little Nelly Furtado, anyone can turn their life around.โ
The crowd erupted in cheers as Joe flexed awkwardly, his once-prominent gut now a distant memory.
And as Powerless (Say What You Want) played over the speakers, Joe and Bruno led the crowd in a celebratory dance, proving that fitnessโand familyโcould bring Canada back stronger than ever.