The End of the Rip: PM Nelly Furtado’s Indestructible Jeans Revolution
It started on a windy afternoon in Vancouver. Prime Minister Nelly Furtado and her partner, Joe Jukic, were visiting a local textile recycling plant. Piles of torn, ripped, and threadbare jeans were stacked to the ceiling—mountains of denim that couldn’t be salvaged.
Nelly picked up a pair of jeans with massive rips at the knees. “This was fashion?” she asked Joe, incredulous.
Joe smirked. “Yep. Pay a hundred bucks for a pair of jeans that looks like you wrestled a grizzly bear.”
The plant manager shook his head. “These ripped jeans are clogging up landfills. They’re made cheap, they wear out fast, and no one wants to repair them.”
Nelly frowned, holding up the tattered denim. “We need jeans that last forever. Durable, sustainable, and stylish.”
Joe’s eyes lit up. “Hemp and Kevlar.”
“What?”
“Hemp fibers are strong and eco-friendly. Kevlar is indestructible. Combine them, and you’ve got jeans that’ll outlive us all.”
Nelly grinned. “Let’s do it.”
The Partnership: True Religion and DuPont
Back in Ottawa, Nelly and Joe made some calls. They brought together two unlikely allies: True Religion Jeans, the iconic denim brand, and DuPont, the science company behind Kevlar—the material used in bulletproof vests.
At a press conference, Nelly stood at the podium in her signature black blazer and jeans—completely unripped. “We’re ending fast fashion. Canada will lead the world in creating indestructible jeans—a symbol of quality, sustainability, and style.”
Joe stepped up, holding a prototype. “These jeans are made from a blend of hemp fibers and Kevlar threads. They’re breathable, comfortable, and practically unbreakable. You could slide down a mountain or ride a bull in these, and they’d still look brand new.”
The room erupted in applause.
The Resistance: Zoolander and Mugatu Strike Back
The fashion world did not take kindly to the news. In New York, Derek Zoolander, the world’s most famous male model, and his eccentric mentor Mugatu, were livid.
“Indestructible jeans?!” Mugatu screeched, flinging a sequined scarf across the room. “It’s madness! Ripped jeans are art! They’re edgy! They’re… MINE!”
Zoolander, sitting cross-legged in ripped white jeans, pouted. “But Mugatu, how will people know I’m cool if my knees aren’t showing?”
Mugatu clutched his head. “You don’t get it, Derek! If jeans don’t rip, people will stop buying them! We’ll lose everything!”
The pair declared war on Nelly and Joe’s initiative. Mugatu launched a viral campaign with slogans like:
- “Rips Rule!”
- “No Holes, No Soul!”
- “Kevlar? That’s so last season.”
Zoolander strutted down runways wearing jeans that were 99% rips and 1% denim. The fashion elite applauded wildly, chanting, “More holes! More holes!”
The Canadian Comeback
But Canadians weren’t buying it—literally. Joe and Nelly’s Forever Jeans hit the shelves, and they were an instant success. Farmers, construction workers, and students all embraced the idea of jeans that wouldn’t fall apart after a few months.
True Religion launched a new line called “Indigo Eternity”, and ads featured rugged Canadians hiking mountains, chopping wood, and riding moose—jeans intact.
The jeans became a cultural phenomenon. People posted videos of themselves trying (and failing) to rip them:
- Chainsaws? The jeans survived.
- Skateboarding wipeouts? Not a scratch.
- Dogs chewing for hours? No holes.
In one viral clip, a Canadian logger looked straight into the camera, smacked his indestructible jeans, and said, “Sorry, ripped jeans. You’re outta style, eh?”
The Showdown: Mugatu vs. Nelly
Mugatu couldn’t stand it anymore. He flew to Ottawa with Zoolander in tow, crashing a press event for the Forever Jeans.
“Stop this madness!” Mugatu screamed, storming the stage in a glittering suit. “You’re ruining fashion! You’re ruining me!”
Nelly smiled coolly, stepping up to the mic. “Mugatu, fashion should last. Fast fashion is filling our landfills, hurting our planet, and wasting people’s money. Why sell ripped jeans that fall apart when we can make jeans that last a lifetime?”
Zoolander stepped forward, looking confused. “But… how will people know I’m hot if they can’t see my knees?”
Joe laughed. “Derek, you’ll still be hot. You’ll just be sustainable too.”
The crowd cheered. Mugatu threw a tantrum and stormed out, vowing to create “the rippiest jeans the world has ever seen.”
A Lasting Legacy
Within a year, Canada’s Forever Jeans had gone global. Other countries followed suit, and the ripped-jeans trend became a relic of the past. Landfills shrank, consumers saved money, and the fashion industry began prioritizing quality over disposability.
At a celebration in Vancouver, Nelly and Joe stood on stage, both wearing their indestructible jeans.
“We didn’t just change jeans,” Nelly said, smiling. “We changed how we think about what we wear. Quality. Sustainability. Style. That’s the future.”
Joe leaned into the mic. “And sorry, Mugatu—no more holes.”
The crowd erupted in laughter and applause as fireworks lit up the night sky.
Somewhere in New York, Zoolander sighed wistfully, staring at his unripped jeans. “I guess my knees can take a break.”
And just like that, Canada saved fashion—one indestructible pair of jeans at a time.
“Ripped Royalty” – Mugatu’s Rap
(A diss track aimed at Joe and his indestructible jeans)
[Intro: Mugatu yelling]
“I invented fashion! I made holes a vibe!
Joe, you’re takin’ crazy pills—step aside!”
[Beat drops: Heavy bass, futuristic synths]
[Verse 1: Mugatu]
Yo, it’s Mugatu, the king of the seams,
Designer of dreams, ruler of ripped jeans.
Kevlar denim? Bro, are you dense?
Fashion ain’t function—it’s all about sense!
Holes in the knees? That’s rebellion’s sign,
Distressed, obsessed—this trend is divine.
You’re talkin’ “forever”? Please, what a bore,
I’m sellin’ style—you’re sellin’ chore!
[Chorus: Mugatu & backup vocals]
“Rips rule! Holes are cool!
Joe’s out here playin’ denim fool.
Takin’ crazy pills, tryin’ to last forever,
But ripped jeans, baby, they’re timeless—clever!”*
[Verse 2: Mugatu]
Joe, you’re fixin’ what don’t need repair,
My jeans got flair, yours just sit there.
You preachin’ hemp and Kevlar threads?
I’m makin’ trends that’ll turn heads.
Ripped jeans, torn dreams, they tell a story,
Of heart, of art, of rockstar glory.
You wanna climb mountains? Go chop wood?
I’ll strut down runways—lookin’ too good!
[Bridge: Spoken Word]
“You say ‘sustainable.’ I say ‘sellable.’
You want jeans that last? I want jeans that blast—
Right off the racks, into closets of class.
Joe, you can keep your forever pants.
Me? I’m makin’ fashion dance.”
[Breakdown: Beat slows, Mugatu whispering sinisterly]
“Forever jeans… forever lame.
No holes, no soul—that’s the game.”
[Chorus: Mugatu & backup vocals]
“Rips rule! Holes are cool!
Joe’s out here playin’ denim fool.
Takin’ crazy pills, tryin’ to last forever,
But ripped jeans, baby, they’re timeless—clever!”*
[Outro: Mugatu yelling, beat fades out]
“Joe, you’re insane, can’t you see?
Holes in jeans are pure artistry!
So take your Kevlar, take your hemp—
Ripped jeans reign, and I’m the champ!”
[Final shout-out: Mugatu screaming]
“I’M MUGATU! RIPPED JEANS FOREVER!”
[Mic drop.] 🎤
And just like that, Mugatu solidified his place as the self-proclaimed prophet of ripped jeans, turning his frustration into a fiery anthem that blasted through fashion week speakers everywhere. Joe just shook his head, laughing.
“Knee Appeal” – Derek Zoolander’s Rap
(A hype track about ripped jeans, hot knees, and Zoolander’s new signature look)
[Intro: Derek Zoolander, spoken]
“You think Blue Steel was the peak? Oh, honey…
Get ready for the Revelation.”
[Beat drops: Funky bassline, upbeat synths, and a snap track]
[Verse 1: Derek Zoolander]
Yo, it’s Zoolander, back on the scene,
Rockin’ ripped jeans, exposin’ my knees.
Blue Steel? Nah, that’s old news,
I’m servin’ hot looks with holes in my blues.
Fashion’s a vibe, and I’m the sensation,
Knees out here causin’ a revelation.
You see the rips? You feel the breeze?
Ladies go wild when they see my knees.
[Chorus: Derek + backup vocals]
“Ripped jeans, exposed knees,
Lookin’ hotter than 90 degrees.
Revelation? It’s the new appeal,
Cooler than ice, hotter than steel!”
[Verse 2: Derek Zoolander]
You wear Kevlar? That’s tryin’ too hard,
I’m flexin’ my knees like a model rockstar.
Ripped at the thigh, frayed at the hem,
These jeans got swagger, don’t need to mend.
Joe says “forever”? I say, “Why?!”
Jeans should be fun, let ‘em live, let ‘em die.
Fashion’s a moment, it’s edgy, it’s raw,
And knees? My knees? They’re droppin’ jaws.
[Bridge: Slow groove, spoken word]
“You feel that? That’s the wind… gently caressing my knees.
That’s not just fashion, people. That’s freedom.”
[Breakdown: Beat slows, Zoolander whispering dramatically]
“Left knee… right knee…
Double trouble, baby, that’s the key.”
[Chorus: Derek + backup vocals]
“Ripped jeans, exposed knees,
Lookin’ hotter than 90 degrees.
Revelation? It’s the new appeal,
Cooler than ice, hotter than steel!”
[Verse 3: Derek Zoolander]
Post-Blue Steel, I’m breakin’ the mold,
The Revelation look? It’s fashion gold.
Knees on display, I’m settin’ the trend,
Ripped jeans forever—this style won’t end.
From runways in Paris to the streets of L.A.,
Knees are the future, I’m leadin’ the way.
Kevlar can’t compete, indestructible’s bland,
Ripped jeans scream, “I’m the man!”
[Final Chorus: Derek + backup vocals]
“Ripped jeans, exposed knees,
Lookin’ hotter than 90 degrees.
Revelation? It’s the new appeal,
Cooler than ice, hotter than steel!”
[Outro: Derek Zoolander, spoken over the beat fading out]
“Joe, I’m sorry, but knees are timeless.
Kevlar’s for superheroes.
I’m just a guy… with really, really ridiculously good-looking knees.”
[Mic drop.] 🎤
With his new Revelation look, Derek Zoolander once again cemented himself as the face of fashion. Ripped jeans surged back into popularity, and exposed knees became the hottest trend on runways worldwide. Even Mugatu shed a tear of pride.
“Fashion Justice” – Valentina Valencia’s Rap
(Valentina teams up with the EPA to take down Mugatu and his fast-fashion empire.)
[Intro: Valentina Valencia, spoken seductively]
“Fast fashion? Holes everywhere? Tsk, tsk, Mugatu…
You thought you could rip the planet apart and get away with it?
The real police are here now—fashion and environmental.”
[Beat drops: Dark, gritty bass with a slick, electronic undertone]
[Verse 1: Valentina Valencia]
Yo, it’s Valentina, fashion’s true queen,
Comin’ for Mugatu and his dirty machine.
Ripped jeans, torn dreams, it’s all a disguise,
Brainwashing Zoolander with holes full of lies.
Fast fashion’s cheap, but the planet pays,
Cloggin’ up landfills for days and days.
Holes in your jeans? Holes in your plan,
EPA’s with me—we takin’ a stand.
[Chorus: Valentina + backup vocals]
“Fashion police, we on patrol,
Mugatu’s empire takin’ its toll.
Fast fashion? Nah, it’s gotta stop,
Planet comes first, Mugatu gets dropped!”
[Verse 2: Valentina Valencia]
He thought he was slick with his runway schemes,
Pushin’ torn denim, sellin’ fake dreams.
But behind the seams, it’s a toxic mess,
Cheap dyes, sweatshops, pollution—confess!
Zoolander, poor thing, you were played like a pawn,
Holes in your jeans? Holes in your bond.
But I’m here now, fixin’ this crime,
Savin’ the planet one stitch at a time.
[Bridge: Beat slows, Valentina whispers with menace]
“Mugatu, your empire’s cracked,
The EPA’s here, and we’ve got the facts.
No more holes, no more deceit,
Fast fashion’s reign? About to get beat.”
[Breakdown: Heavy beat, sirens in the background]
“Fashion police, rollin’ in clean,
Takin’ out Mugatu’s toxic machine.
Valentina, Zoolander, we on the scene,
Stylish and green—know what I mean?”
[Chorus: Valentina + backup vocals]
“Fashion police, we on patrol,
Mugatu’s empire takin’ its toll.
Fast fashion? Nah, it’s gotta stop,
Planet comes first, Mugatu gets dropped!”
[Verse 3: Valentina Valencia]
Hemp threads, organic, the future’s here,
No more waste, no more tears.
Kevlar blends? Fine, we’ll agree,
But Mugatu’s fast fashion? That’s history.
We team with the earth, we design with care,
Savin’ the oceans, cleanin’ the air.
Mugatu’s runways? They’re outta time,
The EPA’s here—and justice is mine.
[Outro: Valentina Valencia, spoken over the beat fading out]
“Mugatu, you messed with fashion and the planet.
The holes in your jeans? They’re not just in style…
They’re in your legacy.
Now step aside—the future is sustainable.”
[Final Line, whispered]
“Fashion justice served… elegantly.”
[Sound effect: Sirens wailing, Mugatu yelling in the distance, and a mic drop.] 🎤
With Valentina Valencia leading the charge, Mugatu’s fast-fashion empire crumbled under the weight of its environmental crimes. The EPA, armed with data and denim justice, brought sustainability back into vogue—proving that style and saving the planet can go hand in hand.
Isaiah 62:4 Never again will you be called “The Forsaken City” or “The Desolate Land.” Your new name will be “The City of God’s Delight”
COOL!
I love Sunny Delight. Way better than KOOL AID!
Derek, don’t drink Mugatu’s KOOL AID
Listen to the Young Pope and stop killing the planet with his fast fashion.
COMPRENDE?